Digital Diary

Suddenly, I am 21 again 

And again, and again 

She is me over and over 

I miss the innocence in her eyes 

Before his rotten dictionary left oceans to flood 

Her dimpled smile before he trained it to dissipate 

Suddenly, I am 21 again 

Begging to be loved 

Correctly 

Loudly 

Confidently 

Waiting to be picked like a bruised apple, too soft to survive the bumpy ride home 

I am not 21 anymore 

But he sounds just like you 

His teeth scrape flesh from healed wounds as you once did

I brace and scurry for shelter alike the soft-bodied creatures that do not survive when visible

Scattering when sunlight pours through overturned stones 

And once again, everything leads back to you 

The trail of empty artisanal promises reels me in with pierced cheeks and sunken lungs 

I am teleported back to your bed, blackening your pillows with cheap mascara 

As you drift away beside me while I shatter quietly 

A dance we’ve practised a thousand times 

My heart breaking exactly on cue, like a trained performer 

Every word I never spoke suffocates me 

I am not 21 anymore 

But it feels nice to be able to feel something again – even if it’s just anguish 

To embrace your vexation as it crumbles 

Like my mother’s Christmas cookies against my lips 

Made just for me