Digital Diary

There are versions of myself

I don’t let exist 

In the daylight 

In front of peering eyes 

A routine ive preformed for so long that ive become it 

Becoming something digestible 

Insecurity colonizes my throat 

Reducing my voice to a crackle and a stutter

And then vanishes 

Like it understands not to draw attention 

I follow suit 

And become less

Less

Less 

Compressing neatly into the corners of the room 

Becoming blended and forgotten 

Fear does not wait for permission 

It enters the room 

And commands attention 

I shrink myself to survive it 

Lose my layers 

Lose myself 

Piece by piece by piece 

Like they were too heavy to carry 

First my voice 

Then my shape

Until i am something you can look straight through 

Until i am barely there 

Sadness loiters behind my eyes 

And i turn away 

Because connection feels like a confession 

Like if you look for too long 

Youll locate the crack 

Where i leak through 

And drip drip drip 

Out onto the floor 

If i am not tranquil 

And maintain my deception 

You might see me 

My anger is small and harmless

Until it isn’t 

It sits wading in a shallow pot 

Tamed

I keep it contained, quiet 

Until something turns

It simmers in my throat 

I swallow it down down down 

The room heats slowly 

And then swelters all at once 

Steam escapes my skull 

Until it bubbles up out and over

Setting fire to my tongue

Until my mouth can no longer contain the heat

And i spit flames 

The burn way past my lips

The person you have met is a reduction 

Simmered down perfectly to suit your taste 

A version i allow you to see 

Small enough to hide 

Because I’ve learned to be seen 

Comes with a cost 

And im still deciding 

If i can afford it