Digital Diary

I have always wanted to live in perfection 

Wanted certainty in every inch of the word 

Longed for someone clean and polished 

Someone who knew all the right things to say 

Someone who could predict my next move 

In my wait, I wrote scripts for conversations that would never arrive 

Practiced the version of myself that felt the most lovable 

Easiest to keep 

When the sun hid from the world 

I would turn to the heavens 

Praying for a sign 

Waited for the stars to align 

In just the right way and spell out their name

So I could know for sure

Proof that this is it 

But the sky in this city remains gloomy 

And so I must stop praying 

Stop performing and rely on my senses 

The peace found in your presence 

The way my body aches for yours 

Before my mind can make sense of it 

The safety of being seen and not turned away 

And so I am learning to arrive as I am without reshaping myself 

Now I know certainty was never meant to arrive all at once 

That there is no undeniable proof 

Except for the way these words ache to leave me 

So I will let them fall from my mouth like loose baby teeth

All this to say,

I love you